what the world needs now is love, sweet love.

It's the only thing that there's just too little of...

"Ahhhhhh!!!" that is how I feel right now. I just had a fifteen minute phone conversation with my mom that was fifteen minutes too long. And of course I grew impatient and frustrated by the ten minute mark, and of course I feel bad about it, but I can't help what's already been done. I just can't stand being told repeatedly to do something eight different ways in one conversation. Honestly there are only so many ways you can tell a person to return a pair of shoes...

I don't know.. when I'm struggling with my own matters of self-discipline it's really hard to receive discipline from someone who is 1,200 miles away. I just feel like "Okay, I know what I have to do. Shut up and stop reminding me of everything I'm failing to get accomplished. There are only so many hours in the day. Ugh." Which is sort of an awful way of looking at things isn't it? I am really thankful for this time I have right now. I've got all the work finished that's due tomorrow, and I have plenty of time to start some of the reading I'll need to do over the weekend. See the problem is when I'm faced with an ocean of scholarly text that is a must-do, finding time to leave my cave and return a pair of shoes just seems extremely trivial. What on earth.

And then of course my mother guilt trips me by reminding me that she's not feeling well and that I should be praying for her to get better instead of yelling at her over the phone.. I already felt bad, I still feel bad. I'm going to call right now. I'm going to call and deliver a sincere apology that I only know will be received with an "I told you so" attitude--but I'm going to do it anyway.

Done.

In tears..

I feel so distant and so off track compared to where I was this time last week. This time last week I was on an emotional and spiritual high. I felt God's presence all around me and I felt his hand at work in every single detail of my life. And now, because of my own doing, because of the choices I've made over the past five days--I feel lost and alone and like I've been left crawling in the dark. But the good news is God's never more than just a prayer away. In fact he's never away at all. That's a pretty exciting truth, and one that evokes confidence.

Last week was a really incredible week for me. Monday was my first day of classes and was actually very taxing on both my emotions and my physical well-being but I was so strong all day! I had twelve straight hours of classes and went the entire day without a meal due to lack of time and then when I did have time lack of appetite. But in place of a meal I was forced to depend on God's strength to get me through the day. I knew I would be facing multiple challenges throughout the day that I would either win or lose depending on where I sought my strength. And I found that strength in God and I was rewarded almost immediately each time. So by the end of my night I had absolutely no strength left in my body, but my mind was racing. I couldn't fall asleep and after an hour and a half of lying in bed, desperate for sleep, but equally as desperate for someone to share my story with.. I whipped out my journal and wrote and wrote and wrote. I didn't stop until every last detail hit the page, and it was such a liberating experience. The relief I felt after divulging my story was immediate, and I fell asleep in a matter of seconds after closing my notebook.

I'm going to reread that story now..

Just reflecting on the beauty of that day has brought back that confidence. The act of solely relying on God's strength to single-handedly get you through every single obstacle throughout the day is such an awesome truth. Sure, right now I may be feeling overwhelmed, but it's only because I am depending on myself, and my own abilities to manage my time, and my own abilities to understand what this book is trying to tell me.. But when I open up my mind to God's wisdom and understanding, absolutely nothing goes over my head. Absolutely nothing stops me from having enough time in my day to accomplish what needs to be done in accordance to his will for me. And I believe his will for me includes academic success and faithfulness. So as long as I contintue to apply myself to my studies, to further my education in hopes that I may one day humbly contribute to His kingdom through my work here on earth, I have absolutely nothing to fear.

Oh! Speaking of last weekkk! I saw Iron & Wine at Hope last Thursday and I don't even have a word that describes how awesome it was! He came alone, so it was just Sam Beam and his guitar...

Judson Clairborne, a musician from Chicago also joined him and he was really great as well. Sort of an Andrew Bird feel.

Over the weekend I had hoped to get a lot of things accomplished like unpacking (which has yet to be done) so my roommates don't kill me in the middle of the night, reorganizing my book shelves, and some reading.. but I didn't have time to do any of those things except school work! Right before I left I started reading The Love Revolution by Joyce Meyer and my fingers are just itching to pick it up again. I don't want to sound cliche or ridiculous or anything.. but the book has honestly changed my entire way of thinking, and therefore my entire way of living. I make choices based on God and his love and his truth, and the effects of those choices are apparent in my daily journey.

I've been told before that to love is a choice. I read a book last semester that dedicated a whole chapter to the choice of love, and I've probably sat through multiple sermons on the same topic.. but none of those sources penetrated me the way this book has. Love is a choice. We make choices every single day that we think have little to no effect on our lives. But what a skewed reality that is! Every single decision effects us. Every single decision has it's consequences whether in the near future or not. But choosing to live redemptively through every single one of our choices is an incredible challenge. One that I have accepted, and am excited to continue.

As I wake up every morning I remind myself that today I have chosen God. Today I have chosen Love. And today I have chosen Truth. And when I get out of bed to walk down the hall to the bathroom and I run in to people I don't know or never took the time to get to know, I remind myself that today I have chosen to love and I give a smile and a friendly 'good morning.' And when I sit in my class and my professor talks about the same topic for the entire class, I remind myself that today I have chosen to love, and I rely on God's strength to keep me alert and attentive, and beyond that interested in what my professor is saying. And this same concept is continually applied throughout my day.. and it is so rewarding. And it's more than just treating people with love, but it's loving myself through my choices as well. It's choosing a salad over pizza, it's choosing to complete an assignment instead of sleeping, it's choosing to take my thoughts captive in obedience to Christ as opposed to allowing them to foster and become ridiculously self-destructive.. It's realizing God's strength is not limited to one area of my life. It's not just "God, give me strength to eat right today," and then I skip dessert. It's "God, thank you for the strength you have already provided. Give me wisdom in discerning when to turn to you in stead of relying on myself." It's realizing I am more than a carnal being, but a spirit being who is not ruled by flesh. It's powerful stuff.. and most importantly true stuff.

So to touch base on how I am doing with my resolutions:
1. I have found time every single morning and most evenings to open my Bible. I have found I feel spiritually depleted if I don't take time to do this, and I have also found great delight in the truth that God will multiply the time I give to him.
2. I have made choosing to love a very obvious priority in my life. Also succeeding academically while maintaining my relationships and my health.. so far so good.
3. I have not been to a single class unprepared yet! Nor do I plan to.
4. I eat, sleep and drink water every day..
5. And none of my calories are ever empty!
6. I've not yet put the Sabbath in to practice. I had great plans for doing it this past Sunday, but I spent an unnecessarily large sum of my time running errands between Target and Meijer on Saturday that did not allow me enough time to complete all of my school work before Sunday. I have intentions of having coffee with Christine Mutch, who spoke specifically about the Sabbath last semester, so I'm really looking forward to that!
7. I have upheld my committment to recommitting my life to Christ. And it feels daaaang good :)
8. I am currently enrolled in two creativity courses, and I am trying my hardest to make time to nurture my soul. Blogging today is just one way I am accomplishing that!
9. Ohhh the listening one.. I do need to remind myself to listen. I was really good about it last week.. but the more stress I fell under the more I forgot.
10. And last but not least, I am relying heavily on God for this one, as it's not exactly the easiest. But yes, I am showing respect to everyone by the grace of God.

And so! I leave you with these supa cute polaroids! Enjoy :)